Miserable. Anxious. Uncomfortable.
I know it could be worse, some poor women have to go all the way to 42 weeks, (I have a new found respect for women who have gone overdue - it is sheer torture), but at this point, I'm not sure I can make it through the next two hours!
I feel like I have been ready for weeks. Since my Midwife, in her wisdom, decided to tell me, "you probably won't come back" after my 37+3 appointment, it was in my head that this baby was coming early. I ran around getting everything ready; cleaning and washing and nesting like a good 'un; I even convinced myself it was actually happening a few times! I told my Mum she couldn't go to London for the night at 38+2 "just in case", and poor Al's 30th birthday came and went with minimum celebrations at 38+5. Everything was on hold "just in case."
I mean second babies are meant to come early aren't they?! That's what I was led to believe. That's what everyone said! But seemingly, people have been telling porkies, and I'm sat here at 3 days over feeling, well I don't know how I feel anymore.
Impatient, anxious, ready, but still not ready, sick, tired, uncomfortable. None of those things sound really positive do they? And I think it comes down to fear. I am, especially as the time goes on, absolutely shitting it.
At night my mind kicks into overdrive, and I am literally filled with a sense of panic and feeling overwhelmed. I have been waiting and waiting and nothing is happening, and as I wait more and more, I get even more worked up. I'm starting to question my sanity, as well as my ability to actually give birth when the time comes. Plus the fact I'm so bloody tired and uncomfortable, how am I going to find the strength to push out this ever growing Bubs?!
If it actually just started (the horrendous, searing labour pains...!) I could get on with it and just, well do it. But with every niggle or twinge that turns into absolutely bollocks all, I am back to feeling that, "fuuuuuuck when is this going to happen?!?" state of mind, that is literally driving me insane. It's mental torture, as well as my body now physically being exhausted.
Sorry, I sound like a big fat whiny cow bag. Woe is me, I'm getting a shiny newborn in a few days... I know I sound silly, and this situation does have an amazing and life changing outcome, but I really really really want that to all happen NOW!
So I've got the Midwife again this morning, where it is my intention to cry and beg for some kind of sweep, though I'm not convinced she'll indulge me. Cow. I mean it really is the least she owes me after her big fat "you won't be back" statement!
More as and when... Xx